humps_you (humps_you) wrote,


Title: Poison
Rating: R? NC-17?
Paring: Joel centric but it's also a twincest.
Summary: Joel's thoughts on his feelings for Benji, he's talking to him through a letter. It's better than it sounds trust me.
Dedication: To Emily because she asked me to write a twincest song fic based on the song Poison by Alice Cooper like ages ago. Must have been back around the 16th that I got her letter. Now this is a shit ass song fic but I think it still qualifies. Let me know if I'm wrong.

Here are the lyrics:

Your cruel deep eyes
Your blood, like ice
One look could kill
My pain, your thrill

I want to love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't want to break these chains

Your mouth, so hot
Your web, I'm caught
Your skin, so wet
Black lace on sweat

I hear you calling and it's needles and pins (And pins)
I want to hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't want to touch you but you're under my skin (Deep in)
I want to kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains

One look could kill
My pain, your thrill
I want to love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison, I don't wanna break these chains

I want to love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison, yeah
I don't want to break these chains
Poison, oh no
Runnin' deep inside my veins,
Burnin' deep inside my veins
It's poison
I don't wanna break these chains

I never was a shy child.

People always assumed I was, they saw me as the quiet, timid twin.

They compared my every move to yours, you, the boy who had the pink patch in is hair. The boy who wasn’t afraid to tell anyone what exactly you thought of them. The boy whose shadow I’ve been in for twenty-five years.

I was branded ‘shy’ only because everyone we met immediately focused their attention to you.

You were the ‘outgoing’ twin, the ‘fun’ one. The one who wasn’t afraid to go streaking through the halls at a hotel we were staying at, just on a dare.

In reality, I never saw myself as ‘timid’. I wasn’t as outgoing as you and open about things as you were, but I wasn’t one to shy away from things either.

I got my first kiss before you. I was 17; you got yours a few months later. The only difference was that you told everyone about the chic you made out with. I didn’t.

I was dating before you too, a girl named Carrie. She was quiet and not exactly ‘gorgeous’ as everyone claimed your girlfriend to be.

I lost my virginity first. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t think it was their business when or where I stuck my dick. You on the other hand, you told everyone. You liked to be known as the ‘playboy’. I only slept with Carrie that one time. We broke up a week later.

I never did tell you why. I never told you why I didn’t get a new girlfriend after that either. I never told you why I would go out at night and come home drunk, reeking of alcohol and sex, but never say anything.

I didn’t tell you why we were growing apart; why I was never home, why I couldn’t talk to you no matter how much you begged me to.

But I’m telling you now Benj, I’m telling you because for the last five years I haven’t told you anything. Not anything about who I am anyway. I’ve been hurting you for five years and I can’t bear to go on like this another day.

Do you remember my last girlfriend and I broke up? How instead of turning to the one person who cared about me most in the world, you, I turned to alcohol? I would get drunk, attempting to drown all my sorrows, all my regrets, my shame, my feelings so I wouldn’t have to think about them any longer.

I would go out, get drunk and sleep with some random nobody. Longing for love and comfort and only ending up hurting the one person who could give me that. You.

The truth is Benj, you are the only one who has ever really been there for me. You take care of me when I’m sick, and you always have. You’ve always been there to listen to me vent, to help me with my problems; you’re always there with open arms when I’m down. Just like always.

Your love and friendship have never wavered, even after all these years. After all the times I’ve let you down, hurt you.

What I’m trying to tell you is that I love you Benji, I always have. I always will.

I just don’t love you in the same way you love me.

I’ve always known you felt more for me than a brother should. Even when you tried to push those feelings away, I knew what you were doing. You pretended to like girls, exaggerated the truth and let everyone think you were the ultimate ‘ladies man’ so you wouldn’t have to face the truth.

You’re gay.

You can admit it to yourself, that much I know. I also know that you’ve never said it out loud, not to me anyway, that you’ve never admitted this discovery to anyone.

Sometimes I think I know you better than I know myself.

You’re gay and you’re in love with me. I’ve known for years and I think it’s why I always pushed away. I just wanted you to find someone else, to move on and stop caring about me the way you do.

But the more I pushed you away the more you wanted me.

You always were a determined person. You always got what you wanted, one way or another, and you never gave up on anything. Or anyone.

Over the last couple years I’ve cleaned up. I’ve stopped drinking much like you have, I’ve stopped doing drugs. Stopped sleeping around. I even talked to you yesterday, when I realized that this love you have for me…this love, it wasn’t going to go away.

I walked into the house and looked over at you, you were sitting on the couch reading. As soon as I walked in you gave me this look.

It was a look of pure love and adoration. Showing me exactly how much you care for me, and I knew I couldn’t keep hurting you like I was.

I sat down next to you, taking the book from you hands and setting it on the coffee table. I told you I needed to talk to you.

I saw the way your eyes lit up, you face showing your surprise. And your delight. After five years of living together in the same house I was finally opening up to you, and I knew I’d ultimately end up hurting you.

But with that look on your face I couldn’t bare to. You looked so happy and innocent.

I told you I was gay. Something that you knew, but I also knew you wanted to hear it from me. The way I wanted to hear it from you.

You smiled and looked straight into my eyes.

I told you how much I hated hurting you. How sorry I was for doing it. How I would do anything to make it up to you.

I saw you mentally debating it. Your eyes gave you away, they always did. You wanted so bad to just tell me you were gay and that you loved me.

You just didn’t want to lose me.

So I made the decision for you. I lifted your chin up so you would look at me. I told you I knew.

Then I kissed you.

I felt my stomach roll and I squeezed my eyes shut, just listening to you breathing speed up.

But I could give you this one thing, at least this one, before I had to hurt you again.

You leaned in towards me, pressing your lips tighter against mine, gripping onto my arm.

I felt you let a quick breath out through your nose as you gently, hesitantly, lapped at the crack between my lips.

I swallowed heavily and opened my mouth, letting you in as I shoved my tongue to yours.

Slowly, I pulled back and looked at you. You smiled and I saw a slight flush to your cheeks as you looked down.

Silently, I took your hand in mine and pulled you up off the couch, leading you upstairs to my bedroom.

For the first time in your life you were actually shy. But at the same time so happy, and you wanted it so bad. I could tell.

You were gentle, so gentle, and you were looking at me as if I were the most beautiful and fragile thing you had ever seen.

It broke my heart.

I knew I was lying to you, in a big way, but I had to do it. I wanted, needed, to give you this one last thing. Just this one.

You kept a slow rhythm the entire time, running your hands over my body, whispering in my ear. Telling me how beautiful you thought I was, how much you loved me, how long you’d been dreaming of this.

Your skin was so wet, your mouth hot against my member.

You came first, deep inside of me, with a long, low moan, whispering my name. Instead of collapsing down next to me you pulled out and shifted back, leaning your head down and taking me into your mouth.

I came soon after, my orgasm ripping through my body, leaving me without strength, and with a feeling of uncleanliness.

You just smiled at me and crawled back up my body, wrapping your arms around me, whispering that you loved me once again.

Then you fell asleep, me following shortly after, the tiredness finally taking over.

When I woke up this morning I saw you asleep next to me. I pulled away from your embrace and walked across the hall to where I am now, writing this.

I hate to have to hurt you again Benj, but I have to. I gave you what you wanted but I can’t live like this. This love you have for me Ben, it isn’t right.

You need to let me go.


I finish writing and set the letter on down on the bathroom bench. I bite my lip and pick up the blade next to it. I sit back, leaning against the wall as I bring it down to my wrist.

I can feel myself start to cry. It’s not the pain, it’s the fact that the last thing I’m leaving Benji is a letter full of lies.

I love him.

I’m in love with him. But it hurts me. It hurts me to hear him calling my name. I want so badly to tell him I love him, to hold him, kiss him. Taste him.

But I want him too much.

I want something that’s wrong.

He’s my poison.

I press the blade down harder, watching as my blood seeps out and starts to pool on the cold tiles beneath me. I quickly do my other wrist before dropping the blade to the floor.

I can feel my body getting heavy, my mind getting cloudy as I sit here.

And I realize, Benji and I share the same blood. I’m not only killing myself, I’m killing him. When I hurt, he hurts. When I bleed, he bleeds.

He’s my poison and I’m his.

His poison running through my veins.

My head rolls back, too heavy for me to keep up any longer.

I feel myself letting go, breaking the bond between us. These chains that held us together for so long.

And I don’t want to break them.
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