humps_you (humps_you) wrote,

ana wrecks your life

As I’m driving to Jere’s I can’t help but think about what all of this means. No, I don’t think I love Benji, but I don’t want to hurt him. And I’m also scared that Jere wont feel the same way about me. I mean sure Benji did, but what are the chances that it’ll happen twice? Not very likely.

This scares me. A lot. So I pull into the parking lot of a diner and turn around, deciding to just leave it for the time being. Besides, I’m technically still with Benji and I should probably break up with him first. I just don’t know how…but I also don’t want to be alone. And if I leave Benji and Jere doesn’t feel the same way about me, then I’m going to be alone again. And I just can’t handle that right now.

I have to decide what I’m going to do though, and soon. But for now, I’m just going stay at home, with Benji, and try to figure things out. I pull into the driveway about ten minutes later and shut off the engine. Getting out of the car, I shut the door quietly behind me and walk up to the front door.

After I dig my key out of my jeans pocket I unlock the door, making sure to be quiet so I don’t wake anyone up. Locking the door behind me I throw my hoodie on the sofa, and make my way upstairs to the bathroom.

Brushing my teeth I hear a floorboard creak, so I poke my head out of the bathroom and look around but nobody’s there. Shrugging it off I finish brushing my teeth and take a piss. But as I’m washing my hands I swear I hear a door squeak open or closed, but I just ignore it. After wiping my hands on a towel that’s lying on the counter, I walk out of the bathroom, turning off the light as I go.

I head back to my room fully intending to just collapse on my bed and sleep until noon tomorrow, but as soon as I close the door behind me, I’m being pushed up against it, my face pressed into the wood, and a hand covering my mouth. I try to scream but the man holding my tells me to shut up if I know what’s good for me and ties a piece of cloth around my head, blindfolding me. When he’s done with that he secures my hands behind my back with a pair of handcuffs. I’m really starting to freak out and I’m struggling to break free from his grasp, when he roughly turns me around, punching me in the face. He then drags me over to the bed, and it hurts but I don’t dare make a sound.

Throwing me onto the bed, he climbs on top of me, straddling my hips, before he leans down and lightly presses his lips against mine. I can feel his breath on my face as he pulls back slightly and licks his lips his tongue inadvertently touching my own. I feel his mouth pull into a smile as he leans down again and kisses me harder this time, running his tongue over my lips and lightly sucking on the piercing. I turn my head to the side and purse my lips together, not allowing him access.

He hits me across the face again, hard, before grabbing my hair and forcing my head up.

“Don’t fucking screw around. You do what I want, when I want. Do you understand?” He growls at me, his voice sounds really familiar but I cant place it right now. Maybe it’s because he’s struggling to mask it, or maybe it’s because I’m terrified now that I know what he’s going to do to me.

I just nod weakly in response to his question, but he slaps me again.

“When I ask you a question you’ll answer me with a ‘yes sir’ or a ‘no sir’, you got that?” Swallowing thickly I force out a ‘yes sir’. He leans down and kisses me again, and this time when he slowly licks my lower lip, I open my mouth beneath him, deciding that if he is going to rape me, I don’t want him anymore pissed off than he already is. I just want to make it through the night alive.

I’m jerked out of a deep sleep by a loud noise. I’m still half asleep and slightly confused so I just lay in the dark, not bothering to open my eyes. Straining my ears I try to figure out what exactly woke me up, but it proves useless. I sit up and open my eyes, immediately regretting it as they’re still sore and puffy from all the crying I did. I turn over and switch on my bedside lamp, and pull open the drawer and grab my bottle of eye drops.

After putting a few drops into each eye I set the bottle on the table and lay back down preparing to go back to sleep, when I see it. Joel left one of his bandannas on the floor. This shouldn’t bother me but it does.

I start thinking back to earlier, and I can’t help but wonder about Joel. Ever since he met Billy he’s had a thing for him. He’s always talking about sweet he is. He’s always saying how I’m never going to be as good as him. And that hurts. A lot.

It hurts me that the one person I used to trust and love above everything including life itself, doesn’t and probably never felt even remotely the same way.

It also just plain pisses me off. It makes me mad that Joel can use me, beat me, degrade me, and then have the nerve to lie to me, to pretend that he still has cares about me. And if that’s not bad enough he wants me to get close to Billy so he can fuck him, beat him, and ultimately break him like he did me.

No, I don’t think so. I’m sick of being used, being lied to, and I’m sick of lying to myself. But most of all I’m sick of being afraid. I’m constantly watching my back for Joel, and love shouldn’t be like that. You’re not supposed to be afraid of the person you’re with. I just thought that Joel and I were in love, but I think that that died a long time ago. I just didn’t want to believe it; I didn’t want to be alone. I don't want to be alone. But I also don’t want to be Joel’s boy toy any longer.

But if I break up with him that will be the end of Good Charlotte, the end of all we’ve worked for, and I don’t know if I’m ready to do that. But I also know that if I don’t end this soon Joel is going to do something he’ll regret.

He wants Billy, and he wants me to get him. But I can’t do it. I can’t hurt Billy like that, he’s too trusting, too sweet, too innocent, and Joel would break him without a second thought. But if I don’t bring Billy to Joel, Joel is going to come after me. I know he will he’d done it before.

I warned Aaron to leave, to get away from Joel, and when Joel found out what I’d done, he beat me within an inch of my life. I’d learned not to disobey him.

I need to make a decision though, and right now. I can let Billy get hurt, or I can put myself at risk.

Shaking my head I pull the blankets back and get out of bed, heading for the door. How could I be so stupid, there is only one option. I can’t let Billy get hurt. But as soon as I open the door I hear a muffled scream coming from Billy’s room.
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