Two hours later Dr. Childs finally let us go, it was already 4:00 so Benji and I just decided to go out to dinner. We call Paul and Joel to meet us at this great vegetarian restaurant since Paul is the only one of us who eats meat.
Half an hour later we’re sitting in a parking space out front, in his truck, waiting for the guys to get here before going inside. There’s this awkward silence between the two of us and it’s making me uncomfortable. I briefly think about how I’m really never that comfortable or open with many people. Except Jere, and that scares me a little bit, as I realize that. I’m more open with Jere than I am with Benji, and he’s supposed to be my best friend. My boyfriend. Shaking my head I decide not to think about that right now, I’m not really sure I want to know what that means. Instead I look out of the window and watch for Joel’s car.
After only a few minutes I see his Toyota pull up. I turn to look at Benji as they get out, and his eyes are following their path up to the front door of the building.
“What are you looking at?” Benji snaps his eyes to mine and blushes.
“Nothing. Is Joel wearing my shirt?” I just shake my head and open the door, turning around I stick my head back in.
“Are you coming?” He nods and opens his door before slamming it behind him. Sighing, I close my door and follow him into the restaurant.
We’re seated at the back of the place, in a booth. I end up on the end, next to Paul and across from Joel. Benji and Joel start talking about some song their writing, while Paul and I just watch them argue about lyrics, before he turns to me.
“How did your appointment go?” I just stare at him, trying to figure out how he knew, since I didn’t tell him. He seems to notice this, and says, “oh, Benji told me.” I glance at Benji angry and hurt that he told him without asking me first. I’m sure Joel knows by now too, maybe even Tony and the guys.
“While you were getting dressed this morning.”
“Ok.” I don’t even know what to say, I kinda wanted to tell them myself, since it is my problem.
He looks at me again before repeating his question, “so, how’d it go?”
“Ok, I guess. He nods and I take another glance at Benji whose still arguing with Joel.
“What did you talk about?”
“Uh… mainly he just asked me what my childhood was like, when was the first time I looked into a mirror and thought I was fat, and things like who I could talk to about this, and could give me support. He wants the person to be someone I trust a lot, and that can go to all the appointments with me, instead of having a different person each time. That way they can help more at home when I cant reach my doctor.”
He nods again, “so I take it Benji’s going to go with you then.”
“I’m not…” I glance at Benji again to make sure he’s not listening. And he’s not so I continue, “I’m not sure. He seemed kinda uncomfortable being there. I know he cares, he’s one of my best friends, but it seems like he feels obligated to do it. Like he doesn’t want to be there, he has too.”
I stop and think about this for a minute while Paul listens to the twins argue. Does Benji really care? I mean, how long have I been anorexic and he just noticed not that long ago. And it had to take him walking in on me. And I have to wonder… do I really love him? Yeah he’s hot, and I know him really well, he’s one of my best friends. But love? Maybe I just liked the idea of being in love. Maybe I just didn’t want to be alone anymore.
How am I going to tell Benji…?
The whole time I was at Dr. Childs office with Billy, and on the drive to the restaurant with him, I only had one thought on my mind, Joel had better appreciate this.
Sure Billy’s hot and I just know he’d be good in bed, but I don’t love him. And I don’t wanna break his heart, he’s one of my best friends and I care about him, a lot, just not like he thinks I do. God, this is so screwed up…
“Benji…? Are you ok?” Joel’s waving his hand in front of my face to get my attention.
“Yeah, I’m just thinking.” He purses his lips and raises his eyebrows in a silent question. “Yeah, its Billy.” He just nods and leans in to whisper in my ear.
“We need to talk. Meet me in the bathroom in two minutes.” I nod and he excuses himself from the table, heading off in the direction of the bathrooms. After a minute the waitress brings our food, once she leaves I excuse myself and go to meet Joel.
As soon as I step foot in the bathroom he grabs my hand pulls me over to the sinks. “Are you just gonna give up on me Benj?” I shift uncomfortably and look away, my hand still in his grasp, and his hips holding me in place.
“No, I just don’t want Billy to get hurt. He’s already fragile, and he thinks I’m in love with him Joel. If he finds out this could kill him, don’t you know that?”
He smirks and brings my hand up to his mouth, kissing it lightly. “If he finds out, which he wont. And do you know why Benjamin? Because I’m not going to tell him and neither are you. Isn’t that right?”
I take a deep breath and nod; he smiles at me and gives me a quick kiss on the lips. “Good, because you know just how badly I want him. And you know I always get what I want.
I nod again and follow him out of the bathroom and back to our table. Sitting down I notice Billy is eating. I smile at him before starting on my own meal.
What am I going to do? Risk breaking my best friend, or lose the love of my life?