humps_you (humps_you) wrote,
humps_you
humps_you

ana wrecks your life

*laughs* this was like, my first fic. I hate it but meh, what can you do?

Okay the song is by Silverchair, everyone should know who they are. After you read leave a little comment and let me know what you think! Even if you hate it, I'm not gonna get better if no one tells me what I'm doing wrong. I do not appreciate flames however.

Please die ana
For as long as you’re here we’re not
You make the sound of laughter
And sharpened nails seem softer

And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

Imagine a pageant
In my head the flesh seems thicker
Sandpaper tears corrode the filth

And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

And you’re my obsession
I love you to the bones
And ana wrecks your life
Like an anorexia life

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you
Open fire on the needs designed
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you


Benji’s found out. I’m not sure if he’s told anyone else though. He’s been really quiet this past week, and it’s starting to worry me. I know he wouldn’t get why I do it, it’s because I need it. And he couldn’t possibly understand that.

Usually I would go for go out for a while when the guys ate, then I would tell them I ate while I was out, or sometimes I would pretend to be asleep. But if I couldn’t do that I would agree with Paul and Chris, and let them go to Burger King or something like that, and then refuse to eat because they butchered innocent animals. But if Benji and Joel insisted we go somewhere vegetarian, and I couldn’t get away, pretend to be sick or that I wasn’t hungry, that I already ate, I would eat. And I think Benji noticed, when we went to that vegetarian restaurant last week that something was wrong. And that’s why he followed me.

I got some kind of pasta thing for dinner, and for the first few minutes I got away with just moving the food around on my plate, maybe eating a little bit of it. Then I noticed Benji looking at me weird, so I ate, almost half of the damn thing. I ate more in that one sitting than I have in the past week, even if I did throw it all up after anyway.

After dinner I’d excused myself from the table, and went to the bathroom. After forcing myself to throw up, I walked out of the stall to rinse out my mouth, and Benji was standing there.

That was last week; he hasn’t said anything to me since. I’ve noticed him looking at me funny a few times; like he feels sorry for me. Right now I can hear them down stairs, eating and I almost want to throw up just from that. Suddenly, I hear someone climbing the stairs, they pause in front of my room, and I sit up on my bed as I hear them knock quietly on the door. “Come in.”

The door opens and Benji walks in, “Billy, we need to talk.” He looks really serious, which is a rarity for him.

“What do you want to talk about?” I ask him, pretending like I don’t know. I just don’t want to try and explain it to him. He won’t understand, he can’t, I know he can’t.

“Look, Billy, I know you know what I’m talking about, so don’t even try to act like you don’t. I just want you to know that I really care about you, and don’t want anything bad to happen to you. I don’t like seeing you hurt yourself.”

“You just don’t even get it. Just leave me alone; I can deal with it on my own. I have been for years.”

He looks shocked when I say this. “Years! You’ve been hiding this for years! I just groaned and lay back on my bed, trying to ignore him. “Billy, would you please just talk to me?”

“What do you want from me Benji? You want to know why I’ve been hiding this from you? This is why! I didn’t want you coming up here and yelling at me about something you can’t change! You can’t help me.” He just sighs and sits down next to me on the bed, putting his hand on my leg, just above my knee.

“How long have you been hiding this from me?” I realize that he’s not going to leave until I talk to him a little at least.

“Four years. Maybe longer.”

“Oh, Billy, why?” I sat up and looked him in the eye.

“You wouldn’t understand.” He looks so sad, and hurt when I say this.

“But Billy, I want to understand, and I want to help you. Can you please just talk to me? I miss being your best friend, it feels like you’ve completely shut me out, and I hate that feeling. I want to be able to know you again.”

I sigh again, knowing that he’s won. “What do you want to know?” I ask him, leaning back against the heavy wooden headboard.

“I want to know why you’re doing this to yourself.”

And for some reason this makes me mad, he acts like it’s so simple. Like I just got out of bed one day and decided that I wasn’t going to eat for the next three days. “Why? You want to know why I don’t eat? Why when I do eat I just end up throwing it all up anyway? I don’t eat because I’m fat, because I’m ugly, because I’m gay, because it makes me feel good about myself, because I’m in love with…” Shit. I shut up and close my eyes, feeling the tears start to well up in my eyes and run down the side of my face. I feel Benji move closer to me and wrap his arms around me.

“You’re not Billy, trust me you’re not.” He says to me, wiping away a stray tear.

“I’m not what?” I yell, standing up, freeing myself from his embrace. “I’m not fat, not ugly, not gay, not in love with you!” He just sits there looking shocked, his mouth hanging open.

“Billy…I had no idea…”

Sighing I walk over to the door, “of course you didn’t Benj. I’m going out.” I turn and jog down the stairs, grabbing my car keys off of the hallway table before heading out the door. I get into my car and head towards Jere’s house, he’s the only one who actually listens, or cares.
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