I had just moved, my boyfriend of three years had broken up with me last month. I couldn’t stand the thought of having to see him around town, and I knew that I would, so I moved. To a new city, a new state, a new life. A life with out Kyle.
But I was depressed, I still loved him, but as much as I hated the thought, it was obvious he would never come back. And it was getting easier with each passing day.
I still didn’t know anybody in the city, it was hard starting over, especially when I was all alone. At that point in my life I hated myself, I hated how I let myself become like this, so ugly and undesirable that even my boyfriend, who claimed I was beautiful, perfect, that no matter what he would always love me, could leave me for a woman.
I would come home at night, to my shitty little apartment, tired from working at my shitty job, and collapse on the floor. I was mentally and emotionally drained. I would sit up at night, for hours, crying in the dark, alone and miserable. And then when the crying wasn’t helping anymore, I started cutting myself. Anything to cause myself pain, at least more than I was already feeling. And then I met you.
You, in somber resplendence, I hold. Your sins into me, oh, my beautiful one now. Your sins into me.
It was a Saturday night, and I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to go for a walk. It was dark outside and foggy so that the air had this silver almost ethereal glow about it. And it was cold; even now I can remember just how cold it was, chilling you down to the very core of your being.
After walking around for a while, I came upon this old, gothic style church. I was standing in front of a set of heavy wooden doors at the front of the building, when I heard your voice.
As a rapturous voice escapes, I will tremble a prayer and I’ll beg for forgiveness. Your sins into me, oh, my beautiful one.
“It’s open you know.” I jumped a little before turning to find you, standing by one of the ugly marble statues that stood on either side of the door. The minute I laid eyes on you, I felt as though I couldn’t breath. You were so beautiful that you literally took my breath away.
“You can go in,”you said again.
Even your voice was beautiful, soft and delicate, yet it was the only thing I could hear.
"No it wouldn't feel right," I said turning my gaze back to the building in front of me. I knew that I had committed too many sins, being gay will do that to you. Then I heard you laugh, softly, like you knew exactly what I was thinking.
"I know what you mean, I haven't gone in there in years." I turned back to you, staring because I couldn't believe what you had just said. I had never met anyone as beautiful as you, and it was impossible to believe that you could ever commit a sin.
You laughed again, "don't look so surprised, I'm not perfect you know." Now it was my turn to laugh, how could you not be perfect? You smiled and moved closer to me, leaning in until I could feel your breath, warm on the side of my face. "My names Jade," you whispered, before turning your face so you could kiss me.
Light, like the flutter of wings, feel your hollow voice rushing into me as your longing to sing. So I will paint you in silver. I will wrap you in cold. I will lift up your voice as I sink.
I kissed you back, pulling your body closer to mine, wanting, no needing, to feel your warmth next to me. After a while I pulled away and took your hand in mine, lacing our fingers together, pulling you in the direction of my apartment. You only smiled and followed me, not letting go of my hand.
We made it back, and I opened the door pulling you inside. As soon as the door was closed you were pulling off my shirt, showering my collarbone with light kisses. Silently we made our way to the bedroom, undressing each other as we went. And as you layed me down on the bed, I pulled you close to me, so I could whisper into your ear.
"My name's Davey."
I felt you smile as you kissed the side of my neck, just below my ear, running your hands down my chest to my thighs and back up. And as we made love I felt like I was sinking down to the pits of hell because I couldn't help but sin. You couldn't help but sin, and it was my fault. You were too beautiful for that, too perfect.
Cold in lifes throws, I'll fall asleep for you. I only ask you turn away. I only ask you turn as they seep into me, oh, my beautiful one.
You stayed with me that night, holding me in your arms as I cried, whispering in my ear, "your so beautiful Davey, I don't know you but I can't help but love you. I need you. Don't ever leave me, I'd die without you."